When Did I Become Invisible?

You know, it's funny how you remember something with such clarity that was not important at all and had absolutely no impact as a life event, but still, there it is. There's that visual in your head that stays through the years. I remember it well. I must have been in my late 20's or early 30's. It was the days of disco, and I had my favorite where I went and danced the night away. I can still see myself in my visual walking down the steps, feeling good, and I knew I looked good. I was wearing tight jeans, tall boots and a fur jacket (rabbit not mink.) I had a belt around the jacket cinching my then tiny waist. I had a mass of long beautiful hair, and I weighed about 95 pounds. But what I remember most was walking in the door and through the disco and the male heads turning - left and right all around me the heads turned taking in this little spitfire with the huge mane of hair. Those boots were, indeed, made for walking, and I had plenty of attitude when I wore those boots and that fur jacket with tight jeans.

Like I said, it was not an important life event. But what keeps it in my mind is that it is the last specific time I remember that feeling and that attention that I took for granted. Because what I didn't know then was that in just 10 years, I would disappear. No, not literally disappear, but there would be a shift in everything I had always taken for granted, and I would become "invisible." It happens when a woman hits about 40. It's a very unsettling thing to experience after having had a lot of attention in earlier days.

So, I have been invisible for a number of years now, and as my waist has thickened men have begun to treat me more like one of the guys than a desirable woman. I used to pray to gain weight because I was so skinny. It's pure irony to be born in a decade when guys liked curvy figures and be built like a 12 year old boy and end up aging in a decade when thin is equated with "taking care of yourself" and being "health conscious" while your own body has decided to become decidedly curvy. Our ideas about bodies are just wrong because it might not be either one - it could be just pure genetics. As I age, I notice that I am shaped a lot like my mother. I guess there's a lesson here for the young guys. If you want to know what your bride will look like as she ages, take a good look at her mother.

I think I have aged decently. I have had no plastic surgery, and I still am guessed at least over 10 years younger than I actually am. I submit my photos at the age I spoke of when I wore the tight jeans and boots, and a current photo. Oh, and just for the record, I still wear tight jeans and boots. I am going to write another blog perhaps tomorrow about why and how women become "frumpy." So far I've never been accused of that. It is not really how I look that has made me invisible - it is the perception of my age that did that. We live in a youth oriented culture that the media keeps pushing on us. Frumpy is about how we actually do present ourselves - the way we dress and pull ourselves together, or the way we don't pull ourselves together. It's a real balancing act at this age to be stylish yet age appropriate. More on that later.



Me at age 26 about the time I was rocking those tight jeans and boots.

Fairly recent photo - about 4 years ago at age 60.

I wrote a poem several years ago that was actually published online. It's not exactly a happy poem, but it does say something about the way this "invisible syndrome" makes you feel. I'll share with you:

The Womens' Junkyard

"We still have worth!" is the middle-aged lament.
We've worked and raised children and paid the rent.
Now we are invisible to the rest of the world,
No longer noticed because we have lines on our brows,
And softening bodies that don't arouse,
Any interest in men of any age.
So this is the ultimate wage,
For bearing their children, and loving them at night,
And listening to their problems and setting them right.
We're not young, but we're not old, we're stuck in between,
So far removed from that nubile sixteen.
Let's face it, Sisters, we've been thrown away,
Left to our own devices and left to waste away,
In the Womens' Junkyard.

© Faye Combs


You might enjoy these links, also:

How Not to be Invisible After 40

That's When Chivalry Dies - a UK article This is, apparently, a global problem.

At What Age Do Women Become Invisible?
This is a forum - a question asked of real people. And one man's answer validates everything I ever thought and amps it up a bit. If you are a woman 40 or over and get your feelings hurt easily, you might want to skip this one.